[AIS] "fickle Indian men" LETS TALK !!!!

[Akshar Sidana]

WED FEB 27TH 2002
CULLIMORE LECT HALL 1
OPEN DICUSSION ON THE FOLLOWING ISSUE:
TURE "DESIS" TOO GOOD FOR NRI's ???????????

Are Indian women in America getting the worse end of the knot???
LETS TALK !!!!!!!!!!!!
During the 1960’s many Indians came to American and now their children 
have grown up. There are nearly 125000 Indian Americans between 15-24 
years old, representing a total of one-sixth of the American Indian 
population. Its time for them to get married, and these youngsters rely 
on an arranged marriage system, even after growing up in an American 
society where dating and love marriages have been the norm, although I 
have I have witnessed a few successful love marriages in my hometown, 
the majority of young men are finding their mates in India. Why are 
young Indian males brought up in America going back to India and 
finding ! their wives?
Traditionally, the wife moves in with her husband’s family in a joint 
family situation, and Indian women in America don’t want to do so. Many 
parents of Indian males for see this situation, and will pressure their 
son into an arranged marriage. I asked one of my hometown friends why 
he got married to a girl from India. A graduate of Case Western 
University, and a very nice guy, he explained to me that his mom 
suggested an Indian girl to him; they met, started writing letters and 
got married. “It’s wonderful and easy,” he said.
The reasons for this trend are obvious when one looks at the Hindu 
concepts of love and marriage---Lord Krishna loved Radha, but married 
Rukmini. He believed that love was different from marriage, where not 
only the male and female are joined together, but also the two 
families. This concept, however, does not justify Indian male behavior 
in America. These young men are falling into the trap of the 
“having-your-cake! -and-eating-it-too-syndrome! ”. Simi Singh, a 
23-year 
old law student who has been in the US for over 18 years, notices that 
these men are dating Indian girls in America, but finding their wives 
in India. They fulfill all their wishes and physical desires in 
America, but then go to India to find a traditional, docile wife.
Many man have said that Indian women brought up in America are too 
“independent,” “too loose, too fast or too liberated,” and are not much 
interested in culture. They are not to use to the women’s attitudes, 
and want women similar to their mothers. Lavina Melwani, in her article 
“Growing up in America,” talks of the “Rajah Syndrome”: young Indian 
males want all the attention and are extremely spoiled by their 
mothers. Therefore, they will go to India to find wives that will spoil 
them as much.
Another reason for this trend is that Indian men don’t want to marry 
women who have dated others. The women, however, believe that Indian 
men receive repeated rejections in America and must resort to India to 
find a wife. Young Indian women are having the hardest times with what 
they see as fickle Indian men. It’s true about the independence of 
these women---many are working and investing in their careers. While 
the traditional role of the Indian women is to be subservient and 
docile, the Indian women of America are in a tough situation: being 
aggressive in America is the norm and provides future success. They 
also resent their peers or boyfriends from home going back to India to 
find a bride, and feel as if the male double standards pervade this 
generation. It is not uncommon to have Indian men sleep with Indian 
girls of America, call them sluts, and marry women from India. One man 
said,” These girls are good enough to be your girlfriends but not good 
enough to be your wife.” Ending up in double jeopardy, these women have 
to resort to arranged marriages or interfaith ones. Although the 
interfaith marriages invol! ve family stress, the couple tries to do 
their best to get along. Their children suffer not knowing what 
religion to follow. One of my friends has a Hindu dad and a Christian 
mom; because her mom is dominating, I never see her in any Hindu 
religious meeting. Talking to her I realized she doesn’t fit with the 
Christian society or the Hindu one.
Women also dislike arranged marriages because they find the men from 
India are difficult to communicate with. These men can’t handle women 
who are more professionally qualified than they are. The process of 
arranging a marriage, where the women must dress up, pour tea, and be 
evaluated by the boy’s family, is nauseating to these women.
May be Indian American boys having a double standard, but a major 
issue lies in both sides’ expectations. American Indian women believe 
that Indian men demand too much---they want their wives to keep fit, 
wear nice short dresses, speak the language, l! ive in both Indian and 
America n worlds, cook Indian food, have a submissive nature. Indian 
American men feel that the women feel that they want them to have 
Indian and western values. The women want them not to drink, but be 
able to order the right wine for every meal.
Despite the high standards that each party sets, India’s epics and 
films set unrealistic standards for Indian American women it is 
impossible for these women to emulate the self-sacrificing Sita who 
followed her husband to banishment in the forests for fourteen years. 
The Bollywood films portraying women with mini leather skirts and 
skintight pants also do not help.
With the New Year and new millennium, these problems will hopefully be 
resolved. The national Asian Indian Sammelan, a conference for Indian 
in America, is presenting a great solution by bringing young Indian 
Americans together to discuss current issues they face. Perhaps young 
Indian Americans should place less emphasis on traditional stereo 
types and western stereo types proffered by the media. An instead focus 
on discovering their ideal spouse. At the same time, these youngsters 
must learn to find a balance between the two cultures that influence 
their lives.”